I'm back...

I haven't blogged in over two years. I have no idea what happened and why I stopped. I used to love coming on here and ranting and venting about shit. I know I was not in a happy place back then. Everything was falling apart and falling on top of me. I was such a wreck for such a long time I did not know what to do with myself anymore. I seriously contemplated suicide. I wanted to just disappear. Between 2005 and 2009 I had to do so many things just to stay afloat with myself. For a couple of years there I had to use my vacation time to turn myself in at the county jail because I had all these probation violations. I was supposed to be getting sober and not drink at all but I really couldn't stop. I got into one bad relationship after the other. It wasn't until I met Connie Costa and did her program Get the Life You Deserve did I realize how much of my life I was really wasting away.

I went through her program and discovered my passion for comedy as well as solidified my passion for writing. Now I write all the time, I perform every so often and I do more work on myself then ever before. I discovered the amazing philosophy of Leadership From Choice Seminars aka LivingFromChoiceSeminars.com and my life has changed considerably. I can not imagine what my life would be like if I had not found Living From Choice. Actually, I rather not imagine because I am pretty sure I would still be spinning my tires feeling sorry for myself and blaming everyone else without taking responsibility for my self and my actions.

Now I feel more empowered, I love myself more and I am always looking to bring more and more of my friends in to the work because of how great it has worked for me.

I am also working on my first script to get my show on television and I know that I am going to have it very soon, before the year is over, soon! And I can't wait to be able to work from home or wherever I want to work from. Cause writing can be done from anywhere.

I'm sooo excited about my life finally falling exactly where I want it to, all over the place. That means I can do anything I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want at whatever time I want. And I am going to share it with whomever I want. I love being this creative and this alive!

Welcome to the rest of my life!!

Melancholy is back...

It’s ironic I love the Fall so much because it always makes me feel melancholic and nostalgic all at once. If you’ve ever experienced either or both you know that the feeling is of sadness, loneliness, abandonment, emptiness, or just missing some one or some particular place.
My saying is always, I miss home. But truly, I am not sure where home is. I came to this country when I was a little girl. I was smuggled in by my grandmother for a better life, a better future, a better who knows what. At times I have short memories of those days when I was a little girl. I remember the smell of wood burning, usually coming from people’s chimneys as they used their wood stoves. Yeah, I lived in a place where people used wood stoves!
I remember the smell of fresh made tortillas, I remember the smell of freshly roasted coffee, or cashews. I remember the smell of a quite afternoon. And I remember the way it felt as the sun began to set on another day. As a child raised by a woman other then her mother, I remember the loneliness I felt from not knowing who my mother was or what she looked like. I just knew she existed, she loved me and she sent me money for all my necessities.
But there were days when I laid in my cot and wonder where she was. I imagined her sitting in a chair laughing and talking. I could picture distant places that only existed in my mind cause I sure couldn’t read nor did I have any books at home. From time to time the little girl I used to be still lays in bed with me as the afternoon draws to a close. And my favorite time of the day is watching as the sun dips lower and lower to be seen on the other side of the world as we go around. I love laying there as the light turns to dusk and dusk turns to dark. Even if it stirs melancholy in my heart.
My memories from childhood aren’t always very clear, but I know the feeling when I smell something familiar. But having a very acute sense of smell isn’t always that pleasant because I can smell things sometimes only dogs should be able to smell. But if I’ve smelled it before, if it’s attached to a memory, if it meant something, it will surely trigger my memory and transport me back to that place where I was on that day.
At times the memories are not pleasant. At times they are extremely painful. At times they are bizarre, rare or even thought provoking because I didn’t realize I had a memory for that. I can never really tell what will pop up when something comes into my life. But I know the feeling I get makes me melancholic. Especially those memories from when I was a happy little girl. Or so I thought.
Sometimes it is nice to live in denial. It’s nice to not have something to think about or remind you of something you don’t want. At times the memories are so distinct of when I was a little girl that I can feel the same feeling and can almost swear I’m back there again. Many times I’ve wanted to be there, to be home, to be safe, to be loved, to be cared for. But then I remember that I wasn’t always loved or safe or cared for.
Right now melancholy takes me back to the place I used to call home when I was a teenage girl. The girl that went to high school and was a proud Lady Knight, the Knight was the mascot of our school at JFK. I loved wearing my marching band uniform, being all done up in our colors of blood red and black, wearing my white gloves and my feathered hat, while following the beat of the drum line. I held my beautifully polished alto saxophone to my chest with such great pride. And I smiled broad when our neighbors came out to watch us march down the street on our way to the stadium on game day. They cheered from their porches and their balconies, most of them JFK alumni too, waving their JFK pennants watching us go by. Our formations were crisp and we marched with such precision the local newspaper called us THE MARCHING 100, because we were a 100 member marching band. And we were good in our time.
I remember being such a good student. I worked hard on my projects; I played volleyball for the JV squad and did not want a spot on Varsity because I didn’t want to stop playing the sax in the band. I loved volleyball and loved going to practice all the time. But the band was my favorite place to be even if I had to get up at 6am to walk my ass to the stadium for practice on those cool Fall days in New Jersey.
I remember my heavy bag pack on my back and my precious saxophone in its case. I haven’t owned a saxophone in over 13 years. I sold the last one I had when Rachel was 3 years old. And it hurt my heart so much to just see it go. It took a lot of effort to sell it but I was not playing it and such a beautiful instrument deserved an owner who would love it back. My sax was a shiny gold. Long and lean with contours so defined, it almost feels like your holding your soul in your hands from time to time.
I have not played the sax in years. I don’t even think I can anymore. But I still stop where ever I am when I hear an alto sax play. The soprano sounds beautiful as well, but my love is the alto sax with its crooning and low notes all intertwined. Now I can barely remember the last time I put a reef to my mouth, blew into the mouthpiece and had music come out. I miss those days when I sat in my room playing silly little songs like Mary had a Little Lamb and Pop Goes the Weasel. Now all I can hope for is to never forget the feeling I got from the coolest instrument alive.
My second love after the saxophone was the violin. And yes, I even gave that a try. I was very good at it and played that during my lunch time. I wish for once I could just forget about work, sit in a chair holding a sax or a violin and just listening to the notes soar. Nothing is more beautiful then a concerto of cellos and violins in the dark with that someone you love as you make sweet love. Or you can get more provocative and burn a few candles just for the shadows made by candlelight.
Now that there has been a cool breeze and a little more darkness here in LA, there is a little more feel of home in Paterson, the little city that gave me hope. At first I thought I had ruined everything I had with the pregnancy I encountered at 17 but looking in to Rachel’s face I could never use the word mistake. Maybe I can call it a misstep, maybe an awkward about face, maybe just one of the angels materializing to be with me full time. But I can never use the word mistake.
Granted my life is not of the successful musician my band director thought I would be. Or the great song writer my English teacher encouraged me to be. But in all its turns, the whirls in my life are of many colors and the swirls are of candy sweet. I just wish I could go back to being that fifteen year old girl who knew everything and had the world by the horns.
Ironically, I hated my life at fifteen. I felt my mother didn’t love me and I wished I would die soon. I guess you have noticed by now I’ve always been a drama queen. And that is never going to change. But one thing I know is I live every moment with passion giving who ever is with me or next to me the best I can offer even if they don’t deserve it or ask for it I do it anyway. I don’t regret, stop or go backwards just because it’s starting to scare me.
This particular idea is probably what scares most women. When they find a woman like me, who is more passionate, more given to craziness and taking risks because I see in you something I don’t see in others. And when you keep asking the same question of what I see in you as opposed to someone else, I don’t know how to answer because I feel with my heart not with my logic. And I never try to explain to my heart what my mind is thinking because those two have agreed to disagree and try to live in peace and harmony within in.
If heart is wrong logic knows better then to say I told you so. But when logic is wrong heart always says, don’t worry we are in this together and we will figure it out. Never give up on the one person who makes you smile and you can’t stop thinking about. Although, logic does get upset with heart from time to time they are not allowed to fight because soul does not want to referee any of those bouts. And stomach is no good at it cause every time he sees confrontation he just turns in knots.
Aside from all the things that make me smile and make me cry. To all those memories that bring that feeling of melancholy I add one more. The memory of you! Although I never was able to put the tips of my fingers to your face, I was able to hear your voice. And those butterflies that arrived when your voice entered my ear canal are distinct and provoked by no one else but you. Now I feel melancholy for those days when we spent hours on the phone listening to your funny memories. And although I was never privileged to hold your hand or kiss your lips, in my dreams you slept close to me with your head on my chest and my fingers in your hair.
Melancholy is a rude visitor, doesn’t call before it comes, it just does. Makes you feel like you are missing something in your life. Reminding you of that empty space left by that person who is now gone and you don’t want to replace but you know you should. It takes stabs at your consciousness and leaves you blind. But answers no questions because the bastard is deaf and dumb.

clarify

Everyone that reads my blog below wants to know what it is that has made me so upset. Well, its simple. I took this part time job with the intention of making some extra money and getting some extra knowledge. I got the money but at a very high cost.
The last time I worked at a company where everyone was Latin was about 10 years ago when I first arrived in Los Angeles. And I was ok because I worked with all my boy cousins. My cousin Noe and Tony kept me safe and always looked after me. But now I don't have Noe, who is more of the protector type and I am more vulnerable apparently then I was willing to admit.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do anymore. I am angry there is not much I can do without harming someone else if I do. I finally had it on Sunday of last week when the Group Lead told me I couldn't do something because I was a woman. And I should let the dummy that was with me handle it because he was a man. I have never been so insulted in my life.
I have known for a while that Mexicans like to speak with innuendo. They say one thing but mean another. They speak words that really are only referencing sex or male body parts or both. Even when I think they are talking about food, they are really talking about sex and penises. I have never despised a cock more then I do at this point in time. What I didn't realize was that so many things in Spanish can be socialized with a penis. For crying out loud, how the fuck old are we when people are so fascinated by sex and need to speak about it at every turn?
Don't get me wrong, I love sex, I enjoy it with my partner and I like to have it often. But is it really necessary to be talking about jalapenos and really mean a penis' size shape and capacity? Of course not! At least not for me anyway.
Well, it's gotten to the point that my gayness is another complete fascination in itself. And I didn't realize that since I'm so outgoing and completely harmless in the eyes of my female coworkers, my male coworkers see me as some form of wanna be Casanova. First of all, I do not shit where I eat. I already did that once and trust me when I tell you I will never do that to myself again. That was the worse experience of my life and I paid for it dearly.
Now, I am stuck in a place where the men think that I am always trying to get with all the girls because, fuck, I'm a lesbian and isn't that what all lesbians do, want to fuck all the girls they come across? Of course it is, so why deny it right? You don't even begin to understand how repulsed I am by these men and how annoyed I am to even be in the same fuken room with them, that I try to go to lunch at least half an hour before I know they are going to be there.
That is why I said that I thought if I didn't pay it any mind it would go away. The men would stop talking about me and be quiet once I enter the room. Or they would stop saying their stupid little comments around me and laughing hoping I will join in. Don't they realize how deeply offended I am and how much I dislike being around them? Why do they insist on asking me if I'm ok or am I mad, or did one of my so many girlfriends not talk to me and is that why I am upset? But I think what gets me the most is the fact that they find each other sooo fuken amusing. When really I could just bash them over the head with something extremely heavy.
I told my friend that got me the job and he didn't really offer me any solutions. So I told him that before something just went absolutely wrong I was going to quit. I have set the date for 11/15 and I am looking forward to it.
The other reason why I chose that date is because the bastards wont let me take my Thanksgiving vacations like I had informed them. Instead they are saying that this is retail and they need me the most at this time. Well fuck them and the horse they rode in on. I have not seen mom in months and my sibs in a couple of years. My family is more important to me then some other motherfukers bottom line. But just the fact that I am upset about that other thing makes me even angrier about this. So be it. It has served its purpose. I thought maybe I would have an opportunity to grow and learn a thing or two but I realized it is not meant to be. I am going to cut my losses and walk away before anything else happens.
I thank the Higher Source and my angels for keeping me safe and sane. Well, as sane as I can be for what I have thus far....

I'm getting thru it

The past few nights I’ve tossed and turned.
Knowing once the morning comes I will be released from the torment of the night.
Although, the body will complain, the back will increase its pain and my eyes
Will show obvious shadow for plain sight, I will be released when the sun comes.
Why am I having trouble sleeping you might ask? The answer is simple, but yet completely unspeakable. It’s one of those disclosures left to my discretion and
I don’t feel you really need to know, because for starters, it’s irrelevant to this discussion. But you will see that once I bring to light the following.
I’ve been stressing about a number of things hoping that with thought and brainstorming I can bring back the full essence of the problem. Except now, the problem has morphed several times since it was first born and now the bastard bears many heads. For many reasons the mutation does not surprise me. It seems to happen each time I decide to ignore something that is happening. The voice has been clear for many days now and the angel speaks my name crisp as a sunny day. But I’ve been choosing not to listen until recently.
I am ready to let it go and I’m ready to stop worrying about it, thinking about it, tossing and turning about it. I’m ready to get over it. It’s not going to happen, then so bet it. It was not mean to happen to begin with. I decided with all my strength to ignore the signs and let it all just occupy way too much space in my head.
Here is the deal, with the idiocy that I may actually be able to fix it by just not doing anything about it and letting things run its course, I allowed it to get worse. And therefore, allowed the mutation that has now evolved into all the things that it’s evolved into. Making the initial problem all that much less important then all the chaos it has created in its path all the further destruction.
I must Love, Trust and Forgive. I love and approve of myself. I trust that the universe is taking care of me and releasing me of any more pain and suffering. And I forgive myself for all the guilt, the feelings of undeserving, the low vibrations I’ve been emitting with my negative thought pattern and I allow the universe to lull me to sleep.
I am no longer going to allow this one thing to get in my way and cause me all the unhappiness and negativity it has. It has served its purpose and it is obvious that the time has come for me to depart. I have set a date for my exit and release my self from the guilt of knowing that this has not been working for some time. I also release the powerlessness point from which I’ve been operating and take full control and hold it in my grasp with both hands.
Angels in your hands I put all the other stuff that this issue has created or intensified. Help me release the pain, the heartache, the dissatisfaction, the apathy, the stuckness, the self loathing and self beatings. Give my body the healing I need and my spirit the soothing touch it deserves. Show me with your infinite love the way I should love and request love for and from others. Let me feel in the bowels of my mind the peace and solace that I need. And allow my soul to forgive, to contrite, to release and to be at peace right along with my mind and my heart.
Angels for all you do, I will never be able to repay you. For all you heal I will never be able to thank you. And for all the love you give me I will never be able to reciprocate you. But know that when I tell you that I am grateful it is coming from within me with all the fibers of my being, in all the strands of my existence, with all the strength of my character. I love you and I thank the Highest Source for giving me to you as your child. For that and for all you do I am grateful!

I'm getting thru it and I'm getting over it...

Aveces tu, aveces yo

esta nota empezo con ira, con rencor

pero luego entendi

que el coraje no era hacia ti

era hacia mi

muchas veces te reproche tu falta de atencion

sin darme cuenta que era yo

la que permitia tu desamor

cuanto antes logre superar esta estacion

sera mejor para mi corazon

ya no tener que mirar atras

y buscarte porque a mi lado ya no estas

el otro dia nos hice un favor

rompiendo nuestros pretendidos lazos de amor

cadenas que segun llevaba el corazon

excepto el corazon nunca se debe sentir encadenado

o mucho menos obligado

el amor que da debe ser sentido y pautado

poco a poco ventilado

de manera que tu y yo nunca de verdad sentimos este amor

fue solo una fantasia de la manga al hombre pero nunca del corazon

es demas decir que solo en mi mente habitaste sin razon

pero puesto a prueba la fantasia entre nosotros se esfumo

y asi de pronto como llego

a si mismo se largo

quedando nada mas que preguntas y confusion

de haberte amado

estoy segura te hubiera toda una vida esperado

apesar de tus misterios y tus falsedades

nada de eso me hubiera importado

ahora pienso en todas tus palabras huecas y vacias

sintiendo ansiedad por lo que me decias

pero juzgarte no puedo porque yo tambien lo hacia

me deje llevar por un momento de alivio

al tormento que tus palabras me sanaban

y ahora digo con un suspiro

yo tambien te engañaba

que tal la confesion desenfrenada?

que ahora dice mi alma liberada?

aunque negarte que te quiero seria mentira

tomando mucho en cuenta que en realidad

todas esas cosas que deciamos si eran verdad

en ese momento, en nuestro afan

de tener a alguien con quien platicar

y este deseo tan tempestuoso de amar

nos llevo a decir y hacer cosas sin pensar

porque lo que sentiamos era como un huracan

una cosa tan envuelta

tan repleta de pasion

que te juro fue con muy buena intencion

y apesar de todo no me arrepiento la connecion

en un sueño yo te ame

si fue por unas horas unos dias o un mes

fueron dias felizes, dichosos sin refren

disculpa la manera en la que todo esto acabo

pero tengo que salir corriendo por el bien de los dos

tu no me debes nada ni yo a ti

quizas un muchas gracias por los dias que me distes

porque al fin del cabo feliz si me hicistes

My battle scars...

The other day I opened up my chest
To asses the damages to my Heart
I noticed it really wasn’t all that bad
It had some scars here and there
Healed from damage of lovers past
At the moment it had a few scratches
And it was bleeding lightly
Nothing too wild or too crazy that couldn’t

be fixed with a quick band aid
It seems the emotional rollercoaster it’s been on

the past few years has done it some good
It has helped my Heart toughen up and not be so easily distraught
It wears its battle scars with pride
My heart and I can say we’re still alive
Hold our head high and smile wide
There are many situations that have gone by
But nothing good enough for which to die
At this juncture in our life
My Heart and I are stronger then ever
Still loving when it feels Love
Still holding on even when the towel should be thrown
Still hoping for the best even when the worse is going on
Still peaceful and enduring the way Love should always be
Still able to Love even when the other doesn’t deserve it
Still happy with the little things it sometimes gets
Unable to waiver from its commitment to Love
Knowing that sometimes an impossible situation

only brings pain and heartache in the long run
But still unable to let go for Love is Love is Love
And the Heart only knows how to feel Love
And how to give Love
Let the Brain worry about the logistics
Hoping it makes its case convincingly for the Heart
To cut its losses and make all of us move on
Until then, the Heart owns the Body and Soul
All Brain can do is say I told you so when shit goes wrong