Everyone that reads my blog below wants to know what it is that has made me so upset. Well, its simple. I took this part time job with the intention of making some extra money and getting some extra knowledge. I got the money but at a very high cost.
The last time I worked at a company where everyone was Latin was about 10 years ago when I first arrived in Los Angeles. And I was ok because I worked with all my boy cousins. My cousin Noe and Tony kept me safe and always looked after me. But now I don't have Noe, who is more of the protector type and I am more vulnerable apparently then I was willing to admit.
I am at a point where I don't know what to do anymore. I am angry there is not much I can do without harming someone else if I do. I finally had it on Sunday of last week when the Group Lead told me I couldn't do something because I was a woman. And I should let the dummy that was with me handle it because he was a man. I have never been so insulted in my life.
I have known for a while that Mexicans like to speak with innuendo. They say one thing but mean another. They speak words that really are only referencing sex or male body parts or both. Even when I think they are talking about food, they are really talking about sex and penises. I have never despised a cock more then I do at this point in time. What I didn't realize was that so many things in Spanish can be socialized with a penis. For crying out loud, how the fuck old are we when people are so fascinated by sex and need to speak about it at every turn?
Don't get me wrong, I love sex, I enjoy it with my partner and I like to have it often. But is it really necessary to be talking about jalapenos and really mean a penis' size shape and capacity? Of course not! At least not for me anyway.
Well, it's gotten to the point that my gayness is another complete fascination in itself. And I didn't realize that since I'm so outgoing and completely harmless in the eyes of my female coworkers, my male coworkers see me as some form of wanna be Casanova. First of all, I do not shit where I eat. I already did that once and trust me when I tell you I will never do that to myself again. That was the worse experience of my life and I paid for it dearly.
Now, I am stuck in a place where the men think that I am always trying to get with all the girls because, fuck, I'm a lesbian and isn't that what all lesbians do, want to fuck all the girls they come across? Of course it is, so why deny it right? You don't even begin to understand how repulsed I am by these men and how annoyed I am to even be in the same fuken room with them, that I try to go to lunch at least half an hour before I know they are going to be there.
That is why I said that I thought if I didn't pay it any mind it would go away. The men would stop talking about me and be quiet once I enter the room. Or they would stop saying their stupid little comments around me and laughing hoping I will join in. Don't they realize how deeply offended I am and how much I dislike being around them? Why do they insist on asking me if I'm ok or am I mad, or did one of my so many girlfriends not talk to me and is that why I am upset? But I think what gets me the most is the fact that they find each other sooo fuken amusing. When really I could just bash them over the head with something extremely heavy.
I told my friend that got me the job and he didn't really offer me any solutions. So I told him that before something just went absolutely wrong I was going to quit. I have set the date for 11/15 and I am looking forward to it.
The other reason why I chose that date is because the bastards wont let me take my Thanksgiving vacations like I had informed them. Instead they are saying that this is retail and they need me the most at this time. Well fuck them and the horse they rode in on. I have not seen mom in months and my sibs in a couple of years. My family is more important to me then some other motherfukers bottom line. But just the fact that I am upset about that other thing makes me even angrier about this. So be it. It has served its purpose. I thought maybe I would have an opportunity to grow and learn a thing or two but I realized it is not meant to be. I am going to cut my losses and walk away before anything else happens.
I thank the Higher Source and my angels for keeping me safe and sane. Well, as sane as I can be for what I have thus far....
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
I'm getting thru it
The past few nights I’ve tossed and turned.
Knowing once the morning comes I will be released from the torment of the night.
Although, the body will complain, the back will increase its pain and my eyes
Will show obvious shadow for plain sight, I will be released when the sun comes.
Why am I having trouble sleeping you might ask? The answer is simple, but yet completely unspeakable. It’s one of those disclosures left to my discretion and
I don’t feel you really need to know, because for starters, it’s irrelevant to this discussion. But you will see that once I bring to light the following.
I’ve been stressing about a number of things hoping that with thought and brainstorming I can bring back the full essence of the problem. Except now, the problem has morphed several times since it was first born and now the bastard bears many heads. For many reasons the mutation does not surprise me. It seems to happen each time I decide to ignore something that is happening. The voice has been clear for many days now and the angel speaks my name crisp as a sunny day. But I’ve been choosing not to listen until recently.
I am ready to let it go and I’m ready to stop worrying about it, thinking about it, tossing and turning about it. I’m ready to get over it. It’s not going to happen, then so bet it. It was not mean to happen to begin with. I decided with all my strength to ignore the signs and let it all just occupy way too much space in my head.
Here is the deal, with the idiocy that I may actually be able to fix it by just not doing anything about it and letting things run its course, I allowed it to get worse. And therefore, allowed the mutation that has now evolved into all the things that it’s evolved into. Making the initial problem all that much less important then all the chaos it has created in its path all the further destruction.
I must Love, Trust and Forgive. I love and approve of myself. I trust that the universe is taking care of me and releasing me of any more pain and suffering. And I forgive myself for all the guilt, the feelings of undeserving, the low vibrations I’ve been emitting with my negative thought pattern and I allow the universe to lull me to sleep.
I am no longer going to allow this one thing to get in my way and cause me all the unhappiness and negativity it has. It has served its purpose and it is obvious that the time has come for me to depart. I have set a date for my exit and release my self from the guilt of knowing that this has not been working for some time. I also release the powerlessness point from which I’ve been operating and take full control and hold it in my grasp with both hands.
Angels in your hands I put all the other stuff that this issue has created or intensified. Help me release the pain, the heartache, the dissatisfaction, the apathy, the stuckness, the self loathing and self beatings. Give my body the healing I need and my spirit the soothing touch it deserves. Show me with your infinite love the way I should love and request love for and from others. Let me feel in the bowels of my mind the peace and solace that I need. And allow my soul to forgive, to contrite, to release and to be at peace right along with my mind and my heart.
Angels for all you do, I will never be able to repay you. For all you heal I will never be able to thank you. And for all the love you give me I will never be able to reciprocate you. But know that when I tell you that I am grateful it is coming from within me with all the fibers of my being, in all the strands of my existence, with all the strength of my character. I love you and I thank the Highest Source for giving me to you as your child. For that and for all you do I am grateful!
Knowing once the morning comes I will be released from the torment of the night.
Although, the body will complain, the back will increase its pain and my eyes
Will show obvious shadow for plain sight, I will be released when the sun comes.
Why am I having trouble sleeping you might ask? The answer is simple, but yet completely unspeakable. It’s one of those disclosures left to my discretion and
I don’t feel you really need to know, because for starters, it’s irrelevant to this discussion. But you will see that once I bring to light the following.
I’ve been stressing about a number of things hoping that with thought and brainstorming I can bring back the full essence of the problem. Except now, the problem has morphed several times since it was first born and now the bastard bears many heads. For many reasons the mutation does not surprise me. It seems to happen each time I decide to ignore something that is happening. The voice has been clear for many days now and the angel speaks my name crisp as a sunny day. But I’ve been choosing not to listen until recently.
I am ready to let it go and I’m ready to stop worrying about it, thinking about it, tossing and turning about it. I’m ready to get over it. It’s not going to happen, then so bet it. It was not mean to happen to begin with. I decided with all my strength to ignore the signs and let it all just occupy way too much space in my head.
Here is the deal, with the idiocy that I may actually be able to fix it by just not doing anything about it and letting things run its course, I allowed it to get worse. And therefore, allowed the mutation that has now evolved into all the things that it’s evolved into. Making the initial problem all that much less important then all the chaos it has created in its path all the further destruction.
I must Love, Trust and Forgive. I love and approve of myself. I trust that the universe is taking care of me and releasing me of any more pain and suffering. And I forgive myself for all the guilt, the feelings of undeserving, the low vibrations I’ve been emitting with my negative thought pattern and I allow the universe to lull me to sleep.
I am no longer going to allow this one thing to get in my way and cause me all the unhappiness and negativity it has. It has served its purpose and it is obvious that the time has come for me to depart. I have set a date for my exit and release my self from the guilt of knowing that this has not been working for some time. I also release the powerlessness point from which I’ve been operating and take full control and hold it in my grasp with both hands.
Angels in your hands I put all the other stuff that this issue has created or intensified. Help me release the pain, the heartache, the dissatisfaction, the apathy, the stuckness, the self loathing and self beatings. Give my body the healing I need and my spirit the soothing touch it deserves. Show me with your infinite love the way I should love and request love for and from others. Let me feel in the bowels of my mind the peace and solace that I need. And allow my soul to forgive, to contrite, to release and to be at peace right along with my mind and my heart.
Angels for all you do, I will never be able to repay you. For all you heal I will never be able to thank you. And for all the love you give me I will never be able to reciprocate you. But know that when I tell you that I am grateful it is coming from within me with all the fibers of my being, in all the strands of my existence, with all the strength of my character. I love you and I thank the Highest Source for giving me to you as your child. For that and for all you do I am grateful!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
