I get it...you dont want me!

I’m sitting here in my cubicle on Tuesday morning in tears not knowing which way to go. For some time the impatience that resides within me, mixed with fear and hatred for the unknown does not let me breathe, yet alone live. I for one hate surprises, wishing that nothing in this green Earth was ever a surprise. That every time I opened my eyes I knew exactly what was going to happen down to the very last line. Except, as you all may realize, this is not only boring but ridiculous.
I am holding on to the strap of this bucking bull I call my life. And as the bucking intensifies I’m hanging on tight. I can see the blood trickle down the side of my hand as the strap cuts into my skin. I can feel the burn as the strap digs into my palm. The feeling of desperation has moved in to my wrist and up my arm. My shoulder begins to tighten and the pain begins to intensify. I tighten my jaw and hold on for dear life because I’ll be dammed if this bull throws me off.
My heart ache is so colored with darkness. I cannot regain control of all these things that are happening. I sit here in silence feeling completely defeated as the tears begin to roll down my face and unto my polo. I am forced to act and react to all these things around me. I’m unable to understand for myself the things that others seem to see about me.
I cry tears of frustration, of rejection, of hurt, pain and suffering that only I know. I give in to the idea that maybe it is the end of the road and I need to let go. I’ve been trying to create this love, mold this love, nurture this love, and force this love that does not want to happen. If it was going to happen, if it wanted to happen, it would have already happened. But it hasn’t happened. Since it is not going to happen I ask you that you let me go. Please let me leave. Allow me to turn around, without you grabbing my arm while looking at me blankly and not saying anything. The words I expect and want to hear never come out. All I get is that inexplicable fuken look on your face that confuses me and gives me false hope. I want to believe that you want me here, that you love me and want me near. But the truth is you don’t want me, need me, nor love me. So let me go!!
There is no explanation for this pain, there is no real reason to hold on to this hope. See, the problem is that while I wait for you to find some time for me you can’t. I find out that the reason is because you are giving it to someone else. And while I think you are sleeping and should be resting, you are on the phone with someone else. Meanwhile, the last time I heard your voice has been so long ago I don’t even remember. You don’t talk to me, you don’t text me, you don’t write me, you don’t visit me, you don’t come find me, you don’t need me, you DON’T WANT ME!
It’s coming to terms with that fact that isn’t easy. But why do I always want to hold on to someone that does not want me touching them to begin with? For the simple reason that I rather fight with you over the crumbs you give me then not have anyone to argue with at all. And if I once loved you, I don’t remember. Now, it’s just my need to hold on to you for nothing. Hold on to you for the sake of having someone to talk to me. Well get this, I’ve hit a financial barrier and the cell phone wont be paid for. There will be no place to call me. Now, the only way you can see me is if you pull out that one picture you have of me. And I for once will be in control of nothing. Cause in reality I’ve never had you. The sooner I come to terms with that, the sooner I will get better.
I have to make my hard headed heart understand that YOU DON’T WANT ME!!
But I think what kills me most is that you prefer someone else to me. How or why is beyond me. But that’s how it is. And because I love you I really hope she makes you happy. Gives you the happiness you can’t find with me. So be it! I eventually will stop feeling this love, this hurt, this stubborn need for you. And the right person will soon enough find me and I will be loved how I deserve with all the love I deserve. With all the love you didn’t want to give me.