Fornication is a Misdemeanor...Adultery is a Felony

I was having a discussion with a friend, who shall remain nameless, unless I am forced by some unforeseen necessity to reveal the name, the difference between Fornication and Adultery.
I was trying to explain to my dear friend that Fornication is a Misdemeanor, if taken contextually its from the Latin meaning "you don't know how to act." Where as Adultery is a Felony, derived from the same language meaning "you got caught and you need someone else to help you lie." This is where lawyers come in handy, cause them sons of bitches are great liars, I mean lawyers.
So here is the discussion with my friend as it went down, almost semi-verbatim, cause I hardly ever deviate from the path once I am on it.

Me: You know if you go out with this person you are not going to be able to contain yourself.
Friend: I'm going to be fine, its just two friends getting together to have some fun.

Me: Aha, fun that involves handcuffs and whipped cream is either at the circus or in a hotel room.
Friend: The latter...giggle giggle..

Me: You do remember you are married right? Maybe not happily, but married.
Friend: I already told you we are just going to go out and hang out and have fun. Nothing is going to happen, we both know that.

I am going to make a break here, because it is important for me to mention that these two have engaged in a highly sexual relationship via Internet and telephone. So they are already cheating, if in mind. Cause you can't tell me that all those comments filled with innuendo and cheesy smiles and giggles are not going beyond the usual contact of friends?
And just the fact that you have to have someone keep reminding you that your ass is married is bad enough as it is, and looks bad too. So back to the dialog

Me:Ok, so you have both agreed to keep your hands off each other. Even though your friend is spending all this money on getting a room, going for dinner, hanging out with you for an untold amount of hours? Cause you know you told the spouse that you were just going to run some errands all day and what not, so on and so forth. And nothing is going to happen?
Friend: Yes!

Me: Are you stupid or delusional or both? Cause there is no way in hell this person does not have an ulterior motive to all of this spending.
Friend: NO!! We are just friends. And I need to get away from you know who and all that stupid shit that has been broiling around the house. I can't take it anymore and I will end up on the news if I don't do something quick.

Me: Aha, so cheating is your "quick fix"?
Friend: (laughs nervously) I am not cheating...jajajajaja...more nervous laughter.

Me:Yeah motherfucker, you ain't cheating, but once your eyes get all glossed over and starry eyed cause you have not been touched appropriately in the past few weeks, we will see how you react. We will see who is just friends and who is just trying to hang out and de-stress.
Friend: What you don't think I have any self control? I love you know who, I'm just trying to see my friend I have not seen in a little while. (giggles) But you know who is highly jealous. What am I going to say, I'm going to go hang out with my friend who is hotter then you and wants me just as bad? What are you stupid!?!?

Me: YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!! Don't pass go, don't collect $200, none of that. Forget the handcart and the basket. You are more in the BEAM ME DOWN SATAN, mode of transportation to hell. Cause this shit is not going to end well.
Friend: Oh yeah, like you should talk. Should I remind you of all the shit you have done to all the ones on your roster?

Me: Ah, that's different. I was never married to any of them. We were just friends, lovers, friends with benefits, partners and whatever else you want to call them, but never a spouse.
I was fornicating and in the great book of humanity that my friend is a MIS-DE-MEANOR!
Friend: What!! What the hell kind of idea have you come up with this time?

Me: Yes, fornicating is a misdemeanor. I do not know how to act. See, break it down, Mis (not being able to do something) DEMEANOR (the way I look to others.) So I missed the right way to present myself to others.
Friend: You are retarded!!

Me: No, you're just mad cause I make sense.
Friend: Aha, so what am I doing?

Me: You my friend are committing a FELONY!
Friend: A FE- WHAT!?!?!?

Me: Yes, a FELONY. Cause, being married binds you to the law of man. So now you have to act appropriately. And when you get caught slipping, all sorts of stuff starts happening to you. For which you need someone else to help you keep your story straight. Hence a highly paid very so much powerful attorney. A professional LIAR aka Lawyer.
Friend: That would be you, right?

Me: Hell no!! You ain't taking me down with you? You know what would happen to me if you know who found out I was even aware that something fishy was going on? NO!!
Friend: Oh come on, you wouldn't cover for me?

Me: I would cover for you. But I am not taking the fall with you. Hell no!!
Friend: What the hell!?!?!?

Me: I told you when you first started getting chummy with that other sap to be careful cause you were going to like the attention. And you said you would handle it.
Friend: I am handling it!

Me: Ah no, you have just dribbled out of bounds! And you are going to get the whistle any minute now.
Friend: No one is blowing the whistle, unless you snitch on me. And you're not going to snitch right? RIGHT?!!?!?

Man, I hate that look, the one that says "YOU BETTER COVER ME NO MATTER WHAT"! Thank God we were having this conversation over the phone, cause then I would not be busted crossing my fingers, my legs and my toes. I will cover for you alright, I thought within me. Hell no! You is on yo own buster! (hehehehehe) Ok, not really, I would totally cover, but what the hell? I thought people were supposed to be faithful to their spouses. Of course, this particular spouse has been on a stupid trip for a few weeks now. I am not even married to this jackass and I'm going crazy with the situation. Notwithstanding that we are friends as well, so I almost feel like I'm cheating too, cause I'm not telling. But you know what, Fuck it! I was friends with the other one way first. So I guess I have to pick a team. Except, the team has already been chosen for me. And I cannot change jerseys now. Oh well!!

The conversation ended with a "wont do anything you wouldn't do". Holy cow!! This is not going to end well, cause you are asking the wrong person for a moral compass. You should already know that mine broke, I left it in the drawer, never went back for it, and keep forgetting to take it to be fixed. So therefore, I have no moral compass. This is going to end in tragedy! Oh oh!!

Yeah, okay, its a bit mellow dramatic, but think about it. How would you feel if your spouse was sort of kinda cheating on you, if not physically, at least in thought? Wouldn't you want someone to let you know? What if this other person turns out to be so much better then you, you wouldn't want to be blind sided right? Then straighten your ass up and find out if you are being a good husband or wife to your spouse. And if he or she rolls their eyes at you take that as a hint that you are an annoying ass partner and you need to get it together or you're going to get put out by the curb with the black trash bin and the blue recycle bin. And trust me women can smell a loser a mile away. So no one, and I mean no one is going to pick you up from that place. You are going to have to find your way unto a clean spot and start looking and smelling half decent. But if you're ex is like any other women I know, you have officially been black balled and the best thing for you to do is move to another state all together. Because all the broads in this state know you are damaged goods.

As for Fornication, people let's be discreet. Learn to act properly so you can make it to the big leagues and get MARRIED. And if you are stuck in the minors for a little while, at least look a desirable replacement for one FELONIOUS ex major player. If you have already committed the felony of adultery, it is hard to redeem yourself. But hey, some owners are more forgiving then others, especially when you have little fans at home. They might just keep you around cause the stands are full. But if all you have is a cat or a dog, then kiss your majors contract goodbye.

p.s. I hope you are aware that when I said from the Latin, I meant it in jest. I am not THAT retarded. I do not speak Latin, but I know that much.